Ok, so this is my first time ever to BLOG & I don't know what I'm doing except I need to be able to express my thoughts & feelings in a way that helps me to be honest with myself and others.
I had an experience the other night that made me realize that I was blocking out alot of painful memories by just choosing not to remember, by filling my mind with other things, by staying too busy to remember. It's just easier that way! It's better to pretend, to watch movies or read books, and imagine yourself out of reality sometimes because the truth is harder to deal with and it hurts to think about the hard stuff of reality.
I guess the funniest thing about it is that I didn't even realize I was doing that until the other night when I was asked by a friend about losing my Dad in January & I told her that he died of a heart attack instead of the actual sudden brain aneurysm that took him quickly.
When I thought back about it later I could only think that it was because he did have a heart attack last December but it was mild and he didn't even have to have surgery since the blockage was considered treatable by medications. I could deal with that reality.
But when I had to remember the real reason for his death it brought back painful memories...
...of being beside him in the hospital ER room holding his hand & telling him that I was there and I loved him.
...of seeing him rubbing his head & hearing the doctor say that it was full of blood & there was no way to go in & stop the bleeding...that they would make him as comfortable as possible & give him a room where we could spend our last hours here on earth with him.
...of wrapping my arms around my Mom to comfort and support her.
...of calling John, Brad, Josh & Amanda, Katelin, and Nathan to tell them the doctor was saying it didn't look good and they needed to come.
...of calling our church staff and our close friends (including the TBC staff) who were all praying and many came to be with us that day in the hospital.
...of knowing that he was leaving my mom, his life partner of over 53 years.
...of knowing that he wanted to do so many more things here, knowing that he would not be here to see his & mama's dream of turning the family farm into a place of ministry and hope to so many victims of disasters.
...of knowing that he would not see his grandchildren, who he was so proud of, live out so much of the rest of their lives.
...of knowing that he would never go on another partnership mission trip with Mama, their trips having taken them all over the world to minister, give witness of their Lord & Savior, and to help the helpless & give hope.
So many things that I had tried to block from my memory because of the pain of dealing with them. And I realize now that it isn't healthy and it isn't good to be dishonest with myself and to keep my feelings in and hidden. I realize now the need I have to express my true feelings both in writing them out for myself and in sharing them with others. Even if no one else ever reads them it will help me to have expressed them.
Besides the many, many prayers, visits, calls, food, comfort & love of family and friends, the way that I got through the dark days of Daddy's passing and funeral was... 1) the knowing that Daddy was no longer suffering, 2) the knowing that he was with Jesus, his Savior, 3) the knowing that one day I'll see him again!, 4) the hope that Daddy could somehow still see his dream from heaven of the finished and vitally working Tennessee Baptist Mission Mobilization Center.
Those are the things that sustain me still as I make the choice to deal with reality instead of burying the hard parts of it. Now that I know this about myself I hope that it will make it easier for me to see when I am doing that and when I need to reflect on what is really going on. Dear Jesus, help me to be honest with my true feelings both to myself and to others...help me to be an authentic christian and to be able to help others like my Daddy did!
